Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR31-40/hum032

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-06 | 66KB

Received: From ACS/MAILQUEUE by charon.sbu.edu
          via Charon-4.0-VROOM with IPX id 102.940306062539.288;
          06 Mar 94 06:26:24 +500
Received: From ics.sbu.edu by charon.sbu.edu
          via Charon-4.0-VROOM with SMTP id 102.940306062539.288;
          06 Mar 94 06:25:38 +500
Received: from news.sbu.edu by ics.sbu.edu (4.1/SMI-4.1)
    id AA25424; Sun, 6 Mar 94 06:25:32 EST
Received: from uga.cc.uga.edu by news.sbu.edu (4.1/SMI-4.1)
    id AA15229; Sun, 6 Mar 94 06:26:08 EST
Message-Id: <[e-mail]>
Received: from UGA.CC.UGA.EDU by uga.cc.uga.edu (IBM VM SMTP V2R2)
   with BSMTP id 7793; Sun, 06 Mar 94 06:25:24 EST
Received: from UGA.CC.UGA.EDU (NJE origin LISTSERV@UGA) by UGA.CC.UGA.EDU (LMail V1.1d/1.7f) with BSMTP id 6375; Sun, 6 Mar 1994 06:25:22 -0500
Date:         Sun, 6 Mar 1994 06:25:21 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00032"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR LOG #32
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 08:29:07 CDT
From:         Ed <[e-mail]>
Subject:      regionalism

Speaking of regionalisms, I've made my share of mistakes as a dumb Californian
coming to study at the University of Alabama.

As classes started in the fall a year ago, I recall reading the headline
in _The Tuscaloosa News_ that "SEC comes to town."  I couldn't imagine what
would bring the securities and exchange commission to town.

As every good Californian knows, "Ole" is a Spanish cheer, so I figured that
that university over in the next state--Ole Miss--must be some sort of Spanish
or Mexican school.

Then there was the time I asked for a knife and folk at Dreamland, the nation-
ally acclaimed Tuscaloosa bar-b-que resturant.  The waiter just looked at me
like, "You poor Yankee, you don't even know how to eat bar-b-que."

Then there's the first time I encountered a word with two hyphones, as in
"Y'all've done good."

I love it down here, but it isn't always easy decoding the culture.

 ___________________________________________________________________
 |                         |                                        |
 |  Ed Johnson             |   "...of making many books there is    |
 |  Dept. of Mass Comm.    |   no end; and much study is a weari-   |
 |  University of Alabama  |   ness of the flesh."                  |
 |  Tuscaloosa, AL 35487   |            --Ecclesiastes 12:12        |
 |                         |                                        |
 |_________________________|________________________________________|
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 11:28:51 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Wisdom

Apologies to those of you who've heard this anecdote before, but there
is such Yogi-Berra-esque wisdom in it, IMHO, it is worth posting.  It
also tickles me.

As a young man, the pop singer, Tony Bennett was talking to the great
Louis Armstrong, worrying about all the conflicting advice he was
getting about vocal maintenance and technique.  In his unique gravelly
voice, Satchmo roared,

"DON'T LISTEN TO _*NOBODY*_!!! DO LIKE _*I*_ DO!!!

Theresa
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 10:44:19 -0600
From:         NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean jokes - elephants from the past

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the elephants over the hill.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing
dark glasses?
Nothing.  He didn't recognize them.

Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes?
Because white ones get dirty too fast.

Why do elephants float down the river on their backs?
So they won't get their tennis shoes wet.

Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles?
Because their tennis shoes are too tight.

(from The Elephant Book - Price/Stern/Sloan)
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 11:33:23 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Stupid Things (G)

There's a new book out called "The 776 Stupidest Things
Ever Said," by Ross and Kathryn Petras; Doubleday ($8.99).

Some highlights:

"I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first."
    - George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back.

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
 freedom and democracy.  But that could change."
    - Vice President Dan Quayle

"I must have had ambrosia."
    - Milwaukee Brewers' Jim Gantner, explaining why
      he forgot to appear on a talk show.

"We're finally going to wrassle to the ground this giant
 orgasm that is just out of control."
    - Arizona Sen. Dennis DeConcini, on a balanced-budget
      amendment.

"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're
 going, because you might not get there."
    - Yogi Berra

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
    - President Gerald Ford

"Smoking kills.  If you're killed, you've lost a very
 important part of your life."
    - Brooke Shields

"You've got to take the bull by the teeth."
    - Movie mogul Sam Goldwyn
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 12:51:06 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      :-)

Q: What's gray and sings calypso?
A: Herry Elephant`e.
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 17:06:48 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lightening Up at Work

We are in the process of moving offices, and in the course of cleaning out
my desk I came across a newsletter from my HMO. The cover story that month
was how to keep the mood light in the workplace. This was reprinted from
The Humor Project in Saratoga Springs, NY.

o       One company lightens up by serving ice cream cones at the beginning
of each meeting. It's hard to yell at someone who's licking an ice cream
cone, and ice cream cones seem to bring everyone down to the same level.

o       The door of the president of one company is always open to employees
with complaints. But if you come in with a complaint you're required to SING
it.

o       One company gives a standing ovation at any time to any employee who
asks for one.

o       Another company bans coats and ties at meetings. All meeting partici-
pants must don loud Hawaiian shirts from a rack outside the meeting room.

o       One company names cafeteria dishes after its employees. (NB: We do
that here at umuc.umd too--the menu does change monthly, though. So, for
example, pasta primavera with shrimp might be dubbed "the Beth Woodell
Special.")

o       Do you have a love-hate relationship with your computer? Name it.
It helps to be able to say "Fred is acting up" or "Ethel isn't cooperating
today."

o       Try looking at a frustrating work situation as a TV sitcom or home
video episode. They say that when you can laugh at a situation, the problem's
half-solved.

Brought to you today by the letters B and W....
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 17:20:12 EDT
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Gay joke, language

There were two big, burly, beer-guzzling men sitting at a bar, watching
a football game.  They were whooping it up, having a good ol' time.
Another smaller man was also watching the game.  Anyway, there was a
particularly violent sack tackle in the game, and the two big guys
start yelling, "YES, KICK HIS ASS! HAHAHA! BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!"
The little guy looks up, and says in a particularly feminine voice,
"Well, that was a bit rough."  The two big guys looked at him and
laughed and went back to the game.
Another bone-crushing tackle.  "ALL RIGHT!  RIP HIS FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!"
yelled the two burly men.  "OOOOH, that had to thmart," lisped the small
guy.  This went on for quite a while.
Finally, one of the big guys goes up to the little guy and says, "HEY,
PANSY! WE DON'T LIKE YOUR KIND IN HERE! GET OUT!"
The little guy says, "No.  I'm watching the game.  If I beat you in a
drinking game, can I stay?"
"YOU BEAT ME? RIGHT.  SURE!  WHAT GAME?"
"Bar football.  For a touchdown, you have to chug a beer.  For the extra
point, you pull your pants down and fart."
"SURE, WHAT THE HELL. YOU FIRST, YA TULIP!"
So the little guy sucks down his beer, pulls down his pants and farts.
"Oh goodie, it's 7-0!  You're turn."
So the big guy sucks down his beer.  As he goes for the extra point,
the little guy pulls down HIS pants and yells, "BLOCK THAT KICK!!!"

Get it?  Good.
              -Tyler
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 18:40:34 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      cute obscenity  (how oxymoronic!)

Three men came to the same bar every day and bragged
on the size of their penii  (penises?).  Every day it was the
same thing--"Mine's bigger than yours!"  "Hell no, mine's so big
that. . ."  "You're all full of shit.  Mine's the biggest that has
ever. . ."  Well, after weeks of this, the bartender
had heard about all he could stand.  He told the men,
"Listen.  I'm sick and tired of all this crap.  We'll settle the
argument right now, once and for all.  I want all three of you to
come up to the bar and lay your organs across it.  I'll
measure the damned things."  So, the three men unzipped their
pants and laid their "manhoods" across the bar.
About that time, another customer walks into the bar and sees the
men.  The bartender sees him and asks him "Hey Buddy, What can
I get you to drink?"
The man looks at the three men with their cocks laid out on the
bar nd says, "Oh, nothing thanks.  I'll just have the buffet."
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 09:49:26 GMT+10
From:         BARREL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Very sick jokes

Heres a few very sick jokes from down here in australia

Q:why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A:it was dead

Q:why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A:he was dead as well

Q:why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A:he thought it was a game

Q:why did the wombat die?
A:the koalas fell on him

Q:what did the farmer say to the cow that was on top of the barn?
A:get down

Q:what do vegatarian dingo's eat?
A:cabbage patch kids

News flash: michael jackson has fallen ill on he's world tour
            Doctors have told him to take two tablets and go to bed....
            With an eight year old.

                                      Barrel
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 01:45:19 CEST
From:         Giuliano Peritore <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sparely offensive joke

In a sunny day one man takes his car, goes to a tattoing laboratory
and asks for a tattoo representing the name of his girlfriend, Wendy.
The man knows precisely where he wants his tattoo.

Owing to the particular request the tattoo-maker needs the man to
have an erection, and, after some trouble, he is able to do his work,
so he 'writes' "Wendy" and gets his money.

Some days later the same man goes to his gymnasium and after sporting
activity he is going to have a shower.  While washing, he can see,
rather obviously, only the letters W,Y (WendY) on his penis.  But he
gets stuck when he sees another man with W,Y on his 'best friend'.
So he gets interested and asks him:

"I think you too decided to have a tattoo with the name of your
girlfriend.  My girl's name is Wendy.  I think your girl also has
this name.  What a coincidence.  Isn't it ?"

The other man shows a big idiotic and cheerful smile and says:

"But what are you thinking !  What Wendy !  Ha ha ha !  I can't
believe it !  Wendy !  Ha ha ha !
My tattoo is 'Welcome to M.rlboro country', what Wendy.  See you.."
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 10:22:12 GMT+10
From:         BARREL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pigs (offensive language)

Heres one for ya trend seters

Theres this guy and he goes and buys some pigs, so he
Can breed them.  He puts them in a pen then goes to bed.
The next day he gets up and says ta the missus "what are
Those pigs doin" she replies "they're just rolling in the
Mud" so he goes about he's work and goes to bed.

  The next day he gets up and asks the missus again "are
Those pigs doin any thin differant" she replies no they're
Just rollin in the mud" so he goes out side loads the pigs
In the back of the truck and heads up to the bush
When he gets there he fucks the pigs for about an hour,
Loads them in the truck and goes home.

    The next day he gets up and again asks "are those
Pigs doin anythin differant" again she says no
So he loads them up and goes back up the bush and
This time he fucks the pigs till lunch time, loads
Them up and heads home.

    The next day he asks "are to those pigs doin anythin
Differant" again no. So he heads back up the bush with the
Pigs and fucks them till the after noon, loads up and goes home.

    The next mornin he gets up asks the question, again no is
The reply. So off he goes with the pigs again, this time
he fucks them for the whole day, loads up and goes home.

    After two hours sleep he gets up thinks to himself
"Surely they know what to do now" so he says to the wife
"Are those pigs doin anythin differant" she replies
"Yes they are" "thank god!" he yells
"Yeh most of them are in the back of the truck and ones in
The front beepin the horn" she replies.
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 20:54:48 -0400
From:         Charlotte Haas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Clean jokes - elephants from the past
On Tue, 21 Sep 1993, NAME wrote:

> What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
> Here come the elephants over the hill.
>
> What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing
> dark glasses?
> Nothing.  He didn't recognize them.


Hey, you forgot the last part of the joke...

What did Tarzan say the next day when he saw a herd of giraffes comming
over the hill?

Dammed elephants not fool Tarzan today!
==========
Date:         Tue, 21 Sep 1993 21:49:02 EDT
From:         Tim Bond <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Blonde Jokes

This is how I've heard it:

  Why are blonde jokes so short?
  So *Brunettes* can remember them!

and here's one I hadn't heard before:

  Why do blondes get a headache when they make orange juice?
  Because the can says "Concentrate"!

==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 13:22:55 GMT+10
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         GO MILKY BAR GO - ANGLE PARK LEGEND
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive language

Well the story is that once per year at the same time and the same brothel
This bloke from tasmania has a good old root with the same prostitute in
Kings cross in sydney. This had been going on for about 15 years.

Well it was that time of year again when he asked for the same whore when
The receptionist said sorry shes gone on vacation for 4 weeks, but weve got
this pig that im sure youd be satisfied with, its a really good performer.
The bloke is persuaded to try this pig out, after being given a 50 per cent
Discount.

So he goes up to this little room upstairs and has a fucken fantastic time.
He comes down to the receptionist and says its the best root ive had in
Years, I must thank you. Well the receptionist at the brothel said well give
You this free complementary ticket to one of our raunchy shows next week,
Its allways great fun to watch, so same time next week then?

For sure the bloke says. The bloke returns the same time the next week, and
Its in this massive room with a glass ceiling, and up there there was anal
Sex, oral sex, women shuvin vinrators up them and all, just like a porno
Only live. The bloke goes and gets a drink and starts chatting to this other
Young gentleman. The bloke goes to the younger gentleman " this is
Fantastic, the best thing ive ever seen!"

" Oh no , no way !" says the younger gentleman. " You should have seen about
A week ago this bloke was up there fucking a pig.
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 13:36:21 GMT+10
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         GO MILKY BAR GO - ANGLE PARK LEGEND
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The nurse

Well the story is this. These two old blokes shared the same ward in a
Hospital, and they both had their eye on this nurse, and she was hot. Big
Tits , nice ass, extremely pretty, need I go on. Well they go to sleep one
Night when this nurse is on night shift. One of the blokes to his surprise
Found the nurse in bed with him . He tells the other bloke the next day, the
Other bloke gets excited and says well what happenened what did you do?

Well the bloke goes, after all these years id forgot what to do, so I sang
The lovely song " memories ". Ah..... That was nice said the other bloke.

The next night the nurse was on night shift again, and this time she jumped
In bed with this other bloke. The next day the bloke who sang to the nurse
Got all excited and said what did you do then.

The bloke goes " I coudlnt think of the words to memories so I fucked her!"
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 00:51:57 EDT
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <[e-mail]>
Subject:      NASTY sex joke...+ stuff

There's this guy and he really wants it bad, so he goes to a
brothel.  Unfortunately, it's during rush hour, so everyone is busy.
"Well, everyone except Sandpaper Sally," said the madame.
The guy said that she'd do just fine.  So they went up to her room and
got undressed.  Sally was HOT.  They tried to "do the deed" but her
"box" (Joel's choice of words...) was just too rough and he couldn't get
inside.  "Just a minute," said Sally, as she got up and left the room.
When she came back, they tried to "get Busy" once again, and THIS time
it was AMAZING, better than the guy had ever had...
When they were done, the guy had to know.  "What did you do when you
left the room earlier??" He asked.
Sandpaper Sally looked at him and replied, "Oh, I just picked my scabs."
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 13:47:16 IST
From:         Shahram Sobhani <[e-mail]>
Subject:      correction

What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts

==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 08:16:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Blonde Jokes

ok, i give up!  i wasn't going to succumb, but here is my all-time
fav-o-rite:

these three ladies, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, are standing around
talking about their pregnancies.  they finally get around to talking about
what sex they think their expected little bundles are going to be.
the brunette says, "when we made love, my husband was on top; we're going to
have a girl."
the redhead joins in with, "when WE made love, I was on top, so WE'RE going
to have a boy!"
well, suddenly, the blonde bursts into tears!
when the other two try to console her, and ask what's wrong, she wails, "I'M
GOING TO HAVE A PUPPY!!!!!"

be seeing you,

oxo
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 08:42:18 EDT
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Golf Joke -- Almost Clean

There was a man who dearly loved to play golf and played every
chance he got.  One gorgeous Saturday his wife had had enough
and forbid him to play golf -- it was time to get some things
done around the house that had been neglected all summer.  But
because it was such a beautiful day the man begged and pleaded
and finally the wife agreed to let him play nine holes --
provided he come straight home afterwards and do the chores
around the house.

So the man leaves and plays a wonderful nine holes of golf.  His
buddies try to get him to make the turn and play the full 18 but
he's adamant about getting home.  However, on the way home he
encounteres a car with a flat tire and two very shapely ladies
attempting to change it -- with a great deal of difficulty.  Being
the nice guy that he is, he stops and helps them change the tire.
As it turns out, the girls are so grateful they decide to reward
him by taking him home and showering him with sexual favors for
a few hours.

When the man finally arrives at home he is met by his wife at
the door.  Immediately he begins his tirade of excuses... "Gosh
Honey, the foursome in front of us was sooooooo slow...... And
Harry kept hitting his ball in the woods and we had to search for
it....... and did I mention the lightening?  Seems someone thought
they saw lightening so they called us off the course for over an
hour and...."  Finally realizing he was getting nowhere with his
wife he decided to confess.  "Honey, after I played nine holes
I was coming straight home when I saw these ladies having trouble
changing a flat tire.  So I stopped to help them and in return
they took me back to their place and screwed me silly."

The wife began to get a thunderous look on her face, her eyes
were about flashing fire and she hissed through clenched teeth
"You played 18 didn't you?"
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 09:03:37 -0600
From:         NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More elephants

How do you tell an elephant from a grape?
A grape is purple.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants?
OOOH look at all those grapes.  (She was colorblind.)

Why are elephants colored grey?
So you can tell them from canaries.

What is it that looks like an elephant and flies?

A flying elephant.

What is it that looks like an elephant and flies and is very dangerous?
A flying elephant with a machine gun.

Why don't more elephants go to college?
Not too many elephants finish high school.

What did the President say when the elephants arrived
at the White House?
We didn't expect you until tomorrow.

(More to come ---)
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 10:56:18 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Space......clean

                        Black holes suck.
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 10:10:39 CDT
From:         Howard <[e-mail]>
Organization: Samford University Computer Services
Subject:      Rated X

Why do Somali girls have a greate reputation for blowjobs?

Because you know they are going to swallow.
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 10:35:28 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <[e-mail]>
Organization: KSU Ag and Cooperative Extension
Subject:      2 clean jokes

This joke is best told out loud.  I heard it from a Dr. friend.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call it when somebody has their tonsils removed?
Tonsilectomy.

What do you call it when somebody has their appendix removed?
Appendectomy.

What do you call it when somebody has their uteris removed?
Histerectomy.

What do you call it when a woman has a sex change operation?
Givadiktomy!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Pierre Joke.  This one is a real groaner.

    Despite his childhood diseases (tolio, neasles, and smallcox),
Pierre and Marie did copulate.  Soon, Marie was pregnant.
    As her time approached, Pierre got more and more nervous and
stayed away from the house as much as possible.  One day, he left for
a hunting trip, and asked his simpleton brother Boudrou to keep an eye
on Marie.
    While Pierre was away, Marie went into labor and Boudrou
took her to the hospital.  Soon she delivered a beautiful baby girl.
As soon as the doctor announced the new arrival, she delivered a boy.
When Marie realized she had given birth to twins, she fainted.  As
tradition had it, the babies had to be named immediately.  Since
Marie was unconscious, Boudrou was given the honor.

    When Pierre arrived at the hospital, he was handed the new baby
girl.  "So, Boudrou, what did you name her?"
    Boudrou said "Denise."
    "Denise!  That's a fine, fine name!  Denise!"  Pierre was
relieved that his simple brother was able to choose such a good name.
    "Wait, Pierre!"  said Boudrou.  "There is a boy, too.  She had
twins!"
    The nurse brought out the baby boy and gave him to Pierre.  "So,
Boudrou, what did you name him?"
    "Denephew!"

    GROAN!!!!!!!!!  HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 11:40:33 -0400
From:         Jesse Welsh <[e-mail]>
Subject:      blonde jokes (PG)

Q; what's a blonde's mating call?
A: Boy, am I drunk!!!

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Gee, are all the blondes gone already?

Q: What's a redhead's mating call?
A: NEXT!

just a few more....     Jesse Welsh - JWELSH1@ITHACA
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 11:55:14 EST5EDT
From:         Susan Walker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Lightening Up at Work

A co-worker calls the computer "HE" or "HIM".

Susan Walker
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 13:00:00 EDT
From:         Harry Weis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      nicknames?

This doesn't have anything to do with machines but my wife calls me her
'slovenly ignorant pig'.  My nickname for her is:  blob of pure evil that
sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation.
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 18:38:10 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      number of the beast?

From a recent notice here at work:
"We have decided to allocate the Occupational Health Centre an
easily remembered number. With effect from 26 July, this will be:
              6666

So, if you feel sick, ring six-six-six-six     (say it quickly)."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
*oh boy, suddenly administrators are all humourists....*

Do others have the same problem putting names to faces that I have?
I'm sure this could lead to many humourous situations.
I hope people can contribute some real life examples. The following is
supposed to be true:

A society lady was attending one of those swell, charitable dos, in
London one day, and found herself speaking to a charming lady, full of
fun, but whom she could not put a name to. So she tried a few
conversational gambits to try to get a clue, without exactly admitting
that she didn't know who she was talking to. She tried:
"So, what is your sister doing now?" to which the other lady replied,
without batting an eyelid:
"Oh, you know, still Queen".
(She was of course, talking to Princess Margaret, sister of Elizabeth II).
:-)
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 12:58:04 CDT
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      forgetting names
/Do others have the same problem putting names to faces that I have?
/I'm sure this could lead to many humourous situations.

a real life situation.
My great aunt was downtown one day in the small town of Portland, TN when
she saw a lady she recognized but couldn't remember her name.  Apparently
the lady also recognized my great aunt but couldn't come up with a name
either. My great aunt was so surprised at seeing the lady and not recognizing
her that the following conversation happenned:

    lady: "do i know you?"
    my great aunt: "i think so.  tell me your name, and maybe by then i will
have thought of mine."

klm
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 19:04:09 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Important Travellers' Vocabulary List

An important list for travellers' vocabularies:

Afrikaans:      bier
Albanian:       birre"          (e" = e-umlaut, pronounced approx. schwa)
Arabic: bira (birra)
Armenian:       garejure        (transliteration)
Basque: garagardoa
Breton: bier
Bulgarian:      bira
Burmese:        biya            (transliteration)
Catalan:        cervesa
Croatian:       pivo
Czech:          pivo
Danish: o/l             (o/ = fronted o sound, written o with slash)
Dutch:          het bier
English:        beer
Esperanto:      biero
Estonian:       o"lu            (o" = o-umlaut)
Finnish:        olut, kalja
Flemish:        het bier
French: la bie`re
Gaelic          leann or lionn  "beer, ale"
German: das Bier
Greek:          mpi'ra          (transliteration) ('mp' is pronounced 'b')
Hausa:          fita
Hawaiian:       pia or bia
Hebrew: birah (bira)
Hindi:          biar            (transliteration)
Hungarian:      so~r            (o~ = o-umlaut; s = sh)
Icelandic:      bjo'r           (o' = o-acute accent)
Indonesian:     bir
Irish:          beoir
(Old) Irish     lindu           (liquid)
Italian:        la birra
Japanese:       biiru/bieru     (r is sort of between USA 'r' and Eng. 'l')
Korean: maekju          (transliteration)
Latvian:        alu
Lithuanian:     alus
Luxemburgois:   be'ier          (e' = e-acute accent)
Madagassian:    labiera         (yes, one word)
Maltese:        birra
Mandarin:       pi2jiu3         (2 = rising tone; 3 = fall/rise tone)
Nepali: biyar           (transliteration) (from phrase book)
Nepali: chang           (from person who's been there)
Norwegian:      o/l             (o/ = fronted o, written o with slash)
Osage           cce'ska ce'z^e  `beer' (lit., cow piss)
(c = ts, z^ = zh (z-caron), V' = accented vowel, CC = tense stop/affricate)
Papiamentu:     serves
Persian:        ob e dzhu       (?) (transcription)
Pidgin (Papua): bia
Polish: piwo            ('w' is pronounced 'v')
Portuguese:     cerveja
Quechua:        sirwisa
Raeto-romanian: bi'era          (i' = i-acute accent)
Rumanian:       bere
Russian:        pivo
Samoan: pia
Scots Gaelic:   beo`ir          (o` = o-grave accent)
Serbian:        pivo
Singalese:      bire            (transliteration)
Slovakian:      pivo
Slovenian:      pivo
Spanish:        la cerveza
Swahili:        pombe
Swedish:        o"l             (o" = o with two dots ["med tva prickor"])
Tagalog:        beer
Thai:           bia
Turkish:        bira
Ukrainian:      pivo
Welsh:          cwrw

(Compiled by [e-mail])
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 09:27:54 GMT+10
From:         Katrina Ford <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Three Sheds

> Hi everyone, how ya's all going?
> Here's one for ya's!

> There was this man and somehow he got stranded on a desert island.  As time
> passed he tought he was going to die, until one day some natives arrived in
> their dug out canoes.  The chief native walked up to the man and said, "I
> think we'll take you home and have you for supper."
> Well the man put up a big arguement and finally the chief native gave in and
> said "ok then, I'll give you three tests, if you pass, you can go free.  If
> you fail my tribe can have you for supper."
> Well the man didn't think he had anything to lose so he agreed.  "What do I
> have to do?" He said
> "See those three sheds over there?" Said the chief.  The man replied "Yes, I
> see!"
> "well" said the chief "The first shed is full of kegs of beer, in the second
> is a lion with a toothache and in the third is a woman who has never been
> satisfied."
> "Right!" Said the man and off he went in to the first shed.  A few days
> later he came out rolling drunk.  He then went in to the second shed. Well
> there was a terrible noise, the walls were shaking, the roof looked like
> it was about to cave in, when the man came out again.  He faced the chief
> and said "Now where's the woman with the toothache?"
>
==========
Date:         Wed, 22 Sep 1993 21:16:01 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Important Travellers' Vocabulary List

You missed a few!

Malay:          bir
Hokkien:        bit3 djiu4
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 10:42:17 CEST
From:         Giuliano Peritore <[e-mail]>
Subject:      plumber humor

This might seem a joke but it is really happened four days ago in my home
in Italy...

Two plumbers were working at the top of my garden well (14 mt. deep) when
the wallet of one of them slided out of his pocket and fell down into the
water.  I was afraid of some unrepeatable idiom but fortunately he showed
a big smile and said:

"Now the water level will raise a lot, since I _had_ a lot of liquid in it
!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 08:47:35 -0400
From:         "Martin A. Thompson" <[e-mail]>
Subject:

I regularly call the statistics program SPSS-X "Spas" (short for spastic).
I've named my hard drive "Amnesia," for obvious reasons.  I bet there are
lots of folks on this list with humorous pet names for their equipment, if
not their colleagues and bosses. Come on, post them, and share them with the
rest of us!   --Ed

I got quite a few 'humorous pet names' for 'my equipment' but I suppose you
mean 'computer equipment' don't you?

Martin
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 08:07:59 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More corny riddles for kids of all ages

        Q. What is smaller than a worm's mouth?
        A. A worm's teeth.

        Q. What did the termite say to the house?
        A. "It's been nice gnawing you".

        Q. Why did the bookworm go to the library"
        A. To burrow a book.

==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 09:26:12 -0400
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten!!
September 20, 1993
===========
Top ten reasons to watch CBS this fall
===========

10. We've stopped using the deadly gamma rays
 9. Programming designed to make your childern dull and listless
 8. The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider
 7. If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump like a
    monkey
 6. This year, on a special "60 minutes", Morley Safer loses his virginity
 5. We're Kuralt-a-rific!
 4. We've got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet all the
    way around
 3. This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself
 2. If you don't watch, we'll send Mike Wallace to investigate your ass
 1. It'll help Connie and Maury have a baby!
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 15:49:03 METDST
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Why "Computer IBM"

About 20 years ago, a group of Czech humorists "invented" an unknown Czech
genius Jara da Cimrman (his name contains "da" because he showed geniality
in as many regions as Leonardo da Vinci). [Need not say that no Jara da
Cimrman has ever lived, his personality is fictive.]

Many curious inventions are contributed to this person-nonperson. One of them
is the origin of the name "Computer IBM". According to Cimrmanologists, Jara
da Cimrman was sitting in a tavern one day in a pleasant mood and ordered
beer to anybody saying (in a mixture of German and English): "Komm, put her
ein beer 'em!"
[German-English dictionary: komm=come her=here ein=a/one]
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 10:57:38 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: computer relationships...

When my machine acts up*, my favorite name for it is "Nebo"**.

When it refuses to stop acting up, the name changes to "POS"***.

_________________________

* - crashes, burns, explodes, kills 10 hours of work, kills 1 hour of
    work 10 times, just sits there, laughs at my despair, indifferent
    to my anger, oblivious to threats, tries to crash other computers
    connected to it, and generally acting contrary.


** - a general term connoting: confusion (why didn't that work?),
     surprise (that should have worked.), anger (work, damn it!),
     appeasement (I see why it doesn't work), frustration (but I can't
     do a damn thing about it), cleverness (unless I pull out these
     circuit boards and re-write the operating system), effort
     (lifting CPU up to window sill), and smugness (after dropping
     CPU out of 6th story window).  Like "smurf", except usually
     more derogatory.  (as "damn" is to "shucks")


*** - a specific term connoting... well, you *know* what it means!
      "Lousy piece of..."  nevermind.

_________________________

[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 08:50:16 CDT
From:         Howard <[e-mail]>
Organization: Samford University Computer Services
Subject:      Penguin Lust

(This joke must be told while standing)

     A man walks up to a prostitute and asks "I would like some oral sex
please," and the prostitute replies "that will be $40."  The man says
"but I only have $30" and she says "for $30 I can give you a Penguin."
He says "A Penguin? You're sick. I'm going to try another prostitute."
     The man tries two more prostitutes, but apparently $40 is the going rate
for oral sex in this neck of the woods.  He is offerred a Penguin for his
$30 both times and is starting to consider it.
     The fourth prostitute he encounters again offers him a Penguin for his
$30 and he agrees.  While he is standing in front of her, she unbuckles his
belt, unfastens his pants, unzips his zipper and pulls his pants and
underwear down.  She then puts his man gland in her mouth and begins to
suck.  "Gee, this is very much like oral sex," he says.
      Just as the man is about to finish, the prostitute stops sucking and
leaves.  (Now start walking like a Penguin) "Oh, miss...I'm not finished yet.
Come back."
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 09:24:44 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.H     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

---------------------------------------------------

Wanna know how to make a small fortune in stocks?
Start with a large fortune.

Heard on WITR yesterday: RIT students have organized their annual community
involvement volunteer project.  This year's project will be to help clean
up Mt. Hope Cemetary.  The project has been titled "The Grateful Dead".


Q: How do you save a drowning laywer?
A: Throw him a rock.


Person 1:  Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Person 2:  No.
Person 1:  GOOD!

---------------------------------------------------

The following are real problem reports only the names have been changed:
----------------
Description Of Problem:  Can't access any file servers.  Need to get a file
off of a particular file server for a presentation at tomorrow's forum.
The Fix: Convinced him to do the forum without the paper.

Description Of Problem: Can't seem to get his computer to boot.  He's tried
very hard to make it work but all the things he did last time don't seem to
work now.
The Fix: Big Joe slapped him around a bit.  He came to his senses and
apologized
for all the trouble he's caused us.

Description Of Problem: Little Sara has nine XXXX's that won't boot. She
can't get any work done untill they're fixed.
The Fix:  Informed her we don't maintain XXXX's any more.

Description Of Problem: A user is rather upset because she can't seem to
print on RedLeader.
The Fix: Reminded her that RedLeader has been moved to the warehouse.

---------------------------------------------------

     A streetcar in Moscow is packed with people.  There are lots of signs
in the bus supporting Gorbachev's anti-alcohol drive.  The driver shouts
"Red Square".  Some people get on and off.  At the next stop the driver shouts
"Liquor Store". Some people get on but nobody gets off.
     At the next stop the driver shouts "End of the line for the Liquor
Store".
 Everybody gets off.
     And so it goes with the anti-alcohol campaign in the Soviet Union.

----------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 13:16:29 EST
From:         Maurice Jester <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sex jokes and a blonde joke

      Q: What do you get when you cross a hooker and a computer?
      A: A f...... know-it-all!

      Q: What do soybeans and dildoes have in common?
      A: They're both meat substitutes!

      Q: What do you get when you line up several blondes ear to ear?
      A: A wind tunnel!
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 15:23:15 -0600
From:         NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Elephants....more

How do you put six elephants in a Volkswagen?
Three in front and three in back.

Why do elephants need trunks?
Because they don't have glove compartments.

How do you know if an elephant is standing near you
in an elevator?
By the smell of peanuts on his breath.

Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar?
They are easier to get at the ballpark.

What do you call elephants who ride on trains?
Passengers.

Why do girl elephants wear angora sweaters?
So you can tell them from boy elephants.

Where do baby elephants come from?
BIG storks.
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 16:20:51 EST
From:         Mike Mooney <[e-mail]>
Subject:      GOLF JOKE

        A golfer was playing a round of golf when he came across a bottle.
        When he touched the bottle a genie appeared and offered him
        one of two choices. He could either become the world's
        greatest golfer or the world's greatest lover. He picked
        greatest golfer.

        The golfer went on to shoot a round in the low 50's. When
        he finished the genie asked," It's really none of my business,
        but why did you pick golf over sex ?". The golfer replied,
        "I do pretty well with the ladies, but I never was much of a
        golfer". The genie continued, "Well, just out of curiosity,
        how often do you have sex?". The golfer replied," Oh, I guess
        once or twice a month.". Somewhat surprised the genie said,"
        That doesn't sound like the world's greatest lover". The golfer
        replied, "Maybe not, but it's not bad for a priest in a small town."
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 19:10:52 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nobody loses all the time <poem>

NOBODY LOSES ALL THE TIME by E. E. Cummings

i had an uncle named
Sol who was a born failure and
nearly everybody said he should have gone
into vaudeville perhaps because my Uncle Sol could
sing McCann He Was A Diver on Xmas Eve like Hell itself which
may or my not account for the fact that my Uncle

Sol indulged in that possibly most inexcusable
of all to use a highfalutin phrase
luxuries that is or to
wit farming and be
it needlessly
added

my Uncle Sol's farm
failed because the chickens
ate the vegetables so
my Uncle Sol had a
chicken farm till the
skunks ate the chickens when
my Uncle Sol
had a skunk farm but
the skunks caught cold and
died and so
my Uncle Sol imitated the
skunks in a subtle manner

or by drowning himself in the watertank
but somebody who'd given my Uncle Sol a Victor
Victrola and records while he lived presented to
him upon the auspicious occasion of his decease a
scrumptious not to mention splendiferous funeral with
tall boys in black gloves and flowers and everything and

i remember we all cried like the Missouri
when my Uncle Sol's coffin lurched because
somebody pressed a button
(and down went
my Uncle
Sol

and started a worm farm)
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 19:20:31 EDT
Comments:     Resent-From: Bill <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>

    For your information, the following are the seven rules of
HUMOR:

1. Only humorous material should be posted to this list.

2. The theme must be clearly identified in the subject line.

3. When there is potentially sensitive or offensive content
(topics, themes, or words), a warning is required.

4. Posts should be shorter than 50 lines; HUMOR will not
accept posts longer than 99 lines (headers and signatures
count in the total).  If you would like to share a larger
file, especially collections, please post a sample of that
file and offer to accept private requests for the complete
file.

5. Discussion, requests, criticisms, questions should be
posted privately to original sender; not to HUMOR.

6. There is a limit of one post per person per day.  A post
may contain multiple examples of humor.

7. No personal attacks against members of the list.

The LISTSERV@UGA (internet [e-mail]) supports a command
INDEX (SET HUMOR INDEX). It works like DIGEST, except that you only
get the header information for each article. Then you can request the
articles you want to read (instructions are posted with each INDEX
report). INDEX is more time-consuming to use, but you have more control
over the content you read.

Contributors, please state the subject of your humor in the subject line.
You only need to provide a warning note if there is something to warn
about. Err on the side of caution and good taste.

Readers, please don't flame contributors (privately or on the list) when
they follow the warning rule. Some of us want to know about even the
tasteless offensive humor that people are telling each other.

Now here is a nice little joke:

   A long-winded speaker was interrupted by a voice from the rear
yelling, "Louder." After the third time a fellow in the front row
stood up, faced the rear of the room and asked, "Can't you hear?"
   "No."
   "Then thank God and keep still."

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner   [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
============
To control your mail send LISTSERV@UGA the command SUB HUMOR
Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR MAIL (this
is the default option) if you want to receive mail as it is posted;
SET HUMOR DIGEST if you only want to receive mail once a day; SET
HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting privileges or if you prefer to
to access HUMOR by downloading archieved files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to
leave the list. HUMOR is archieved in 3000 line logs; to get the log
numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA
==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 17:15:00 CDT
From:         "Dennis Bil." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Racist joke

If a Polack and a Black guy had a race through a tunnel who would
win?

The Polack because the black guy would stop in the middle and
write "Mother Fucker" on the wall.

==========
Date:         Thu, 23 Sep 1993 20:50:06 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bama joke <redneck culturally sensitive>

Did you hear about the Aggie who got fired from the University of Alabama
factory?
He kept throwing out the W's.

Have you heard about the new University of Alabama parachute?
It opens on impact.

They recently found a skeleton on the Alabama Tuscaloosa campus.  Experts
from the University of Alabama at Birmingham Medical School have determined
it to be the remains of the 1969 Crimon Tide Hide-N-Seek Champion.
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 11:15:51 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      aussie humour? (potentially offensive

I'm sure we'd all like to congratulate the Aussies on getting the
millennial Olympics.
After all, they are a very physical nation, and they deserve some
compensations for living in Australia, and  having to speak with that
accent.(It must be quite an art to finish every sentence on an up note
making it sound like a question.)

Apparently, there are going to be a few new
sports there, to celebrate the noble Australian cultural heritage:


Aussie triathlon: hop, skip and jump on nearest Sheila
(Laid-back version: lean against corner, scratch crotch, whistle at passing
 Sheilas)

Kangaroo Virgin Racing

Drinking, belching and farting championship (sponsored by Fosters)

Pommy Bashing

Boomerang throwing (Abbos throw boomerangs)
Abbo throwing (Bruces throw Abbos).

Bondai Beach tanning championship

Pooftah baiting

Make a Shiela cry competition (tell her you'll be home fer dinner..)


BTW, did you hear about the Ozzy pooftah who left the bush and went back
to Sydney?


No seriously Bruce, you're all a great bunch of blokes, and I wish
you all the best with the cricket... :-)
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 13:41:47 METDST
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Jara(da)Cimrman

The famous genius Jara da Cimrman worked in many branches. One of them was
Philosophy. He created a philosophical system called "Externism".
Its roots are in solipsism. A solipsist says: "The world does not exist. The
only real thing is myself. Everything exists only in my mind."
Jara da Cimrman reversed the principle. In his lecture read at the world
philosophical congress in Basel, Switherland, he declared: "I do not exist.
The only thing that is real is the external world (thence 'externism')."
He was severely criticized by many oponents and one of them (Cimrman's
traditional rival) thought he could make everybody laugh at Cimrman by saying:
"If Jara Cimrman states that he does not exist, how is it possible that he
formed his philosophy?" Everyone thought that this reasoning cannot be beaten.
But Jara answered in a way that became part of the history of philosophy
(so called Basel Reply): "When I do not exist, it does not mean that I am not
visible by the world!". Then he took a newspaper out of his pocket and tore
the
center of it off, saying: "There is nothing in the middle, is it? And
nevertheless you can see the hole."
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 07:21:54 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:    Humor rules (parody)

    For your information and enjoyment, the following are the
seven new rules for HUMOR:

1. Only humorous material should be posted to this list.  Right now
we figure we're running at about a 50% rate.

2. The theme must be clearly identified in the subject line. This is
problematic for much of the material that has no theme.

3. When there is potentially sensitive or offensive content
(topics, themes, or words), you'll be sure your material gets read.

4. Posts should be shorter than 50 lines; some should be
shorter than 1.

5. Discussion, requests, criticisms, questions should be
posted privately to original sender; only the truly scathing
attacks should be posted on HUMOR for the enjoyment of all.

6. There is a limit of one post per person per day--don't overdose.
A post may contain multiple examples of humor, but should contain
at least one, please.

7. No personal attacks against members of the list.  Impersonal
attacks, though, are strongly encouraged.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The LISTSERV@UGA (internet [e-mail]) supports a command
KILL (SET HUMOR INDEX). It works like DEATH, except that you only
get the header information for each article.

You only need to provide a warning note if there is something to warn
about. Remember, a good slur is always enjoyed.

Readers, please don't flame contributors (privately or on the list) when
there are so many good examples of public officials to nail.


Ed Johnson, HUMOR listuser   BEDWETTERS.BITNET (bfd.snooze.edu)
============
To control your mail... well, good luck.  Personally, mine's out of control.
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 08:36:52 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More corny riddles for kids of all ages

        Q. Why is it so cheap to feed a giraffe?
        A. Because a little food goes a long way.

        Q. What sport do cats play in winter?
        A. Mice Hockey.

        Q. What do cats float in their hot cocoa?
        A. Mousemallows.

        Q. How do lions like their antelope?
        A. Medium roar.

        Q. What kind of worms live in French Poodles?
        A. Parisites.

        Q. What do you call a frozen mouse hanging from a building?
        A. A micicle.
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 09:28:09 LCL
From:         Rafael Lacaz Ruiz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dress

What`s the proper lengh for a girl to wear her dress?
...
Above two feet
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 09:19:00 EST
From:         Frank Patnaude <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Extra-marital affair (R)

         There was a married man who had decided to have an affair. He went
    down to the local bar and met an attractive woman. He bought her a
    drink, and got to know each other.
         While they were talking he said "Look, I'm married, I have a
    couple of kids, and I just looking for a good screw." She replied "I
    have no problem with that, that is all I'm looking for also." They went
    and go a hotel room and screwed for hours.
         After they were done, he remarked "Wow, you're a really good sport
    about this." This went on for a couple of months, and she never called
    his house or bother his other life in any way. After each meeting, he
    would say "Wow, you're really a good sport about this."
         A few months later, she called him at home. He said "I thought I
    told you never to call me here!" She told him "I'm sorry, this is the
    only time that I will call. I'm over at the hotel and I found out that
    I am pregnet, so I am going to blow my brains out with a gun."
         He replied "Wow, you're a really good sport about this."
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 14:54:00 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Michael Jackson

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson & Israel?
A: Israel intends to pull out of Jordan.
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 09:28:16 -0600
From:         NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Elephant jokes

Why do elephants lie on their backs with their feet in the air?
So they can trip birds.

How can you tell if an elephant is sleeping?
When he's in bed with the covers pulled up and he's wearing pj's and
his pink tennis shoes are off, the chances are he's asleep, if
he is snoring. ...but watch it anywy

How can you tell if an elephant's been in the refrigerator?
By the big footprints in the pizza.

Why do elephants eat peanuts?
Because they're saltier than prunes.

Where do you find elephants?
Depends on where you lost them.

What do elephants eat besides peanuts and hamburgers?
Canned elephant food.

Why do elephants have hair on their tails?
Why not?Wh

What did the elephant say when the Volkswagen ran into it?
"How many times have I told you kids -- don't play in the street!"
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 09:48:15 CST
From:         Bill Rauscher <[e-mail]>
Organization: Claims By Computer, Inc.
Subject:      Lemon squeeze

A big strong muscular guy went to a bar and ordered a club soda with
the juice of one lemon.  The bartender poured the club soda and
squeezed the juice from one lemon.  The strong guy said, "I bet  you
one hundered dollars I can squeeze a cup of lemon juice from the
lemon you just squeezed."  The bartender said, "You're on!"

The strong guy squeezed and squeezed until he got one full cup of
lemon juice from the lemon.  The bartender, amazed, gave him $100.00.

A couple of stools down sat this little skinny guy with big thick glasses.
He turned to the strong guy and said, "I bet you $500.00 I can squeeze
two cups of lemon juice from that lemon you just squeezed.  The
strong guy laughed and said, "You're on!"

The skinny guy squeezed and squeezed, he grunted and groaned, but
was smiling the whole time.  The strong guy and bartender just
watched in amazement when the skinny guy sat back smiling having
squeezed two cups of lemon juice from the already twice squeezed
lemon.  The strong guy reluctantly forks over the $500.00.  Puzzled, the
strong guy asked, "How in the hell did you do that?!!!"  The skinny guy
said, "Oh, it's very simple, I work for the IRS!"
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 11:02:03 EDT
From:         Prabhu Chandran <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PG13..maybe slightly offensive.....

An elderly couple went into a doctor.  They told the doctor "We're having
some touble with our sex life.  Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex theripist.  You should find someone else."

The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having
any troubles.  I wish my sex life was as good.  I can't give you any
suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week.  After they had
finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble.
Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my
wife will catch us.  If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us.
The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that.  You only charge $35, and
medicare pays half of that."
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 10:10:31 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <[e-mail]>
Organization: KSU Ag and Cooperative Extension
Subject:      offensive

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?

They have shaky hands!
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 11:37:12 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Symptoms of love <poem>

SYMPTOMS OF LOVE by Robert Graves

Love is a universal migraine,
A bright stain on the vision
Blotting out reason.

Symptoms of true love
Are leanness, jealousy,
Laggard dawns;

Are omens and nightmares--
Listening for a knock,
Waiting for a sign:

For a touch of her fingers
In a darkened room,
For a searching look.

Take courage, lover!
Could you endure such pain
At any hand but hers?
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 10:57:25 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <[e-mail]>
Organization: KSU Ag and Cooperative Extension
Subject:      may offend Chinese

I'm sorry.  I know I'm only allowed one post a day - but I just HAVE
to send these two jokes (the second one is another Pierre joke!)

#1
    One day, there was a tornado.  As it blew through a pasture, it
knocked all of the cows in the pasture over.  All of the bulls,
however, remained standing!
    The news rocked the country.  Scientists everywhere began
research, but it was all in vain.  Nobody could figure out why bulls
wouldn't fall over when hit by such strong winds!  Finally somebody
said "Let's just ASK the bulls!"
    So a reporter went out to the field and approached a bull.  "Why,
when the tornado ripped through the pasture, were you able to remain
standing, while all of the cows were knocked over?"
    "It's simple," said the bull.  "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall
down!"

HA!  HA!  HA!

#2
One day, Pierre and Boudrou were sitting down for coffee.
    "Boudrou," asked Pierre, "do you ever want to get married and have
children?"
    "Of course, Pierre!  I want to get married and have THREE
children!"
    "Why three?"
    "I LOVE children, Pierre!  I want to have as many little
Boudrou's as I can!"
    "But, Boudrou," asked Pierre, puzzled, "Why three?  Why not four
or five, if you love children so much?"
    "I CAN'T have more, Pierre!  I have a book that says so!"
    "Don't be stupid, Boudrou!  What book would tell you you can only
have three children?"
    Boudrou pulled out a copy of the Almanac.  "Right here, Pierre!"
he exclaimed, pointing.  "On page 23 it says that every fourth child
born is Chinese - and I'll be DAMNED if I am going to have a Chinese
child!"
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 18:29:02 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Elephant jokes

A kingdom for a HORSE ...

Burkhard Leuschner
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 14:33:38 EST
From:         Maurice Jester <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sex Jokes

Q: What's the difference between kooky and kinky?
A: With kooky you use a feather.
        With kinky you use the whole bird.

Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker?
A: A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-do," and a hooker says, "Any cock'll do"

Q: How is mono different from herpes?
A: You get mono from snatching a kiss.
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 17:18:36 CDT
From:         "jim kemp (kemp at umslvma.umsl.edu)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      regional humor

The following is a bad regional joke ...

Q:   Why do all the trees in Missouri lean to the West?

A:   Because Kansas Sucks!
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 19:09:52 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      forwarded (G)

Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 09:37:44 +0600
From:         "Tristia Watson, CIR Help Desk" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Friday Funny...
X-To:         [e-mail]
To:           Multiple recipients of list HDESK-L <[e-mail]>

I know that we have all dealt with users that are "less than knowledgeable"
about computers, and have many stories to tell.  That is why I enjoyed the
following article that I found on the Usenet.  Read and enjoy!

--
X-News: utulsa rec.humor:34351
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Lemberg)
Date: 4 Sep 1993 22:04:10 -0400

I've had some funny ones over here, some of my favorites:

        Guy buys a pack of 3 1/2 inch disks, opens up the box. Reads
directions of back of box: "Remove disk from jacket and insert in drive". So
he pulls out a knife and saws off the casing on the disk, inserting the metal
disk that is left into the drive. Then he comes to me complaining that he is
having trouble saving his document.

        Saw some lady in the back of the room repeatedly rebooting one of
our PC's. Asked her what was wrong, she said she the machine wouldn't give
her disk back.

        A guy comes up to me and loudly complains that our disk drives are
broken, he saves stuff onto his disk and next time he uses them his file is
gone. I ask him to show me what he is doing. Well, on the back of his disk
box it said "format before use", so guess what he did?

        A UNIX user calls and says he can't get elm (an e-mail program) to run
properly. His account hasn't been set up yet, so he doesn't have a .profile
which properly sets his terminal type. We have a default .profile in the
directory /usr/skel. So I tell him to type "cp /usr/skel/profile .profile"
For some reason he keeps typing in the command wrong, and finally ends up
with "cp /usr/skel/profile profile", so I say just type "mv profile .profile"
to which he reponds "Well, thats MUCH easier, why didn't you just say so
in the first place?"

        I get a phone call from a PC user who has some memory resident junk
which is screwing up his program. So after having him list out his autexec
and config.sys, I tell him to just boot his machine again. He says Well, ok,
and I hear a crashing, tinkling noise.

        Word for the Mac will disk-swap if a file is to big to fit in
memory, in other words it will place information that would normally be in
the machines memory into files upon the hard drive. Well, this lady was
editing a 750k doc on a Mac with 1 meg of memory, off of her floppy drive.
Unsurprisingly, it soon told her that her disk was full. So she trashed all
the files on her disk.

        Same lady calls me from home. Her Mac wont boot, she says. The last
thing she did was trash all the system files. I say, "Didn't I tell you that
a good guideline to follow is to never delete anything unless you know what
it is?" Sure, she says, but she had read her manual and knew what these were.

        A new PC user reads an article on graphics co-processers. So he buys
a 486 66 chip and solders it onto his graphics card, and wonders why his
machine refuses to boot.

And much, much more...

Remeber, you're not a computer consultant unless you've had to talk down
PC homiciders!
==========
Date:         Fri, 24 Sep 1993 23:25:21 CDT
From:         "Dennis Bil." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sex joke

 There was a guy who was really horny so he decided to take a
little trip to the brothel. He pays his money and is led into a
room with pillows all over the floor. His girl is waiting for him
so decides to jump right in. After a while the girl starts to
moan, "Uno, Uno". This girl is chinese so he thinks it is some
kinda pleasure moan, so he starts go